I've decided to nix the minimalist fashion project, because I really don't have a lot of clothes, and winter's almost here, and I need layers. Like mad. Besides, I like clothes.

Still trying to get a job. And by trying, I mean being way too lazy to hand out resumes. Goal for today: GIVE OUT ONE RESUME.

Note: I'm not using proper grammar in this post on purpose because I want to write as close to how my thoughts are going as I can in this moment.

 

I feel like I've gotten caught up in the word "natural". What is it, really? I feel like I can't say "natural" is 'this is what your body is/does, that's natural." Because you have bodies that have penises, vaginas, and something in between. You have people who are girls, boys, both, or neither. Natural is/isn't how your body came into the world the way it came? I'm not sure how to put into words what I'm thinking.

Dreads - natural hairstyle, unnatural? Are beavertails more "natural" because if you just didn't do anything with your hair except keep it clean, you'd get a huge monodread instead of separated dreads. Is natural separating locks from each other?

I feel like I don't know what to believe. I'm confused. Take dying your hair, for example. Before technology and everything, besides henna, you didn't have hair dye. So do you live with the colour you were born with/ use henna, or dive in to chemical dyes? Can you still call yourself natural if you also feel like you want to use your body as your art, as your form of self-expression? Same goes for makeup, tattoos, piercings. 

 

I used to consider myself a pretty "natural" person. I don't wear makeup often, though I've been using it more often lately. I have tattoos and piercings. I've "changed" my body from what it was when I was born. Is that still natural? I don't shave, but I pluck my eyebrows. Now I'm in the process of combing out my dreads because I want to be able to use my hair as a way to express myself by changing the style, colour, accessories.

 

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, like I'm lost between this image of who I want to be and who am I really? Am I really this stereotypical hippie, who doesn't shave, comb her hair, wear bras or makeup, smokes herb and all? I feel like I try to be like that sometimes, but the reality is that I enjoy wearing makeup from time to time, I like trying different hairstyles, I don't know why I started smoking weed in the first place, and, god forbid, there are actually clothes that I like in stores like H&M. Am I so terrified of being "like everybody else" that I'm compromising my actual interests and traits? Do I really hate society as much as I say I do, am I just weak for giving in a lot of the time?

Sometimes I wish I'd never discovered feminism, because now I have no idea what to do. I'm not this strong person that can do what she wants and not care about being judged. I'm sensitive, my feelings get hurt easily, and I take criticism way too personally. The world depresses me a lot sometimes because it just doesn't realize that it doesn't have to be so shitty to everybody else just to get ahead.

Sometimes I really wish I didn't have this INFP personality because I don't know how to cope with it. I really don't. I try to feel special because I see things "differently" apparently than a lot of the world and that's a good thing, and to keep my chin up, but it's just so fucking hard. And then I feel bad for complaining, like I have no right to.

I want to live simply, but at the same time I want a lot of money to buy the things I want to be happy, knowing that stuff won't make me happy. But I still want it. I still want that damn new iPod touch because I want to upgrade my iPod and have a camera at the same time so I can take pictures and try to explore myself in a new way. I want new clothes, new hair accessories, things. Why do I want all these things when I shouldn't? Is it a "natural" human thing to want stuff, or is it really society teaching me that? I'm not comfortable not knowing when I feel it's important to know.

 

http://www.welcomehome.org/rainbow/music/utah_2003/TheGoddessesComingOutOfTheCloset.mp3

 

i once saw a picture of an old woman weaving

i once saw a picture of an old woman weaving

 

i once heard a tale of a wise woman healing

i once heard a tale of a wise woman healing

 

shaman woman, where are you?

shaman woman, i need you.

shaman woman, where are you?

shaman woman, i feel you.

 

smile, cross your legs and

be nice and polite

weren't you taught to be

ladylike

starve, exercise, firm you butt and

your belly, brainwashed by

magazine twiggys

hide, be ashamed

take a pill when you're bleeding

don't you know

blood is dirty

 

smile, cross your legs and

be nice and polite

weren't you taught to be

ladylike

starve, exercise, firm your butt and

your belly, brainwashed by

magazine twiggys

hide, be ashamed

take a pill when you're bleeding

don't you know

blood is dirty

 

i once saw a picture of an old woman weaving

i once saw a picture of an old woman weaving

 

i once heard a tale of a wise woman healing

i once heard a tale of a wise woman healing

 

i tasted a teardrop from my wild woman grieving

i tasted a teardrop from my wild woman grieving

 

shaman woman, where are you?

shaman woman, i hear you.

shaman woman, where are you?

shaman woman, i see you.

 

time is racing by

daily illusion of the maze

i forget, sleepwalking though the haze

in dreams she speaks to me

calling me to the circle

reclaim my place

and flow with power

 

in dreams she speaks to me

calling me to the circle

reclaim my place

and flow with power

and i remember now

we are all shaman women

holding hands

around the fire

 

i remember now

we are all shaman women

holding hands

around the fire

 

shaman woman, we are you

shaman woman, we feel you

shaman woman, we are you

shaman woman, see us through

 

when you open your heart

to  the love and the light

you  will find the 

shaman woman

hiding inside

living inside

loving inside

right by your side

 

shaman woman, we are you

shaman woman, we feel you

shaman woman, we are you

shaman woman, lives in you

 

i once saw a picture of an old woman weaving

i once saw a picture of an old woman weaving

 

i once heard a tale of a wise woman healing

i once heard a tale of a wise woman healing

 

i tasted a teardrop from my wild woman grieving

i tasted a teardrop from my wild woman grieving

 

but now i am with my sisters

and my earth mother singing

but now i am with my sisters

and my earth mother singing

 

shaman woman...